Thank you for such a generous and insightful conversation Kristina and Jessica! This interview is full of powerful reflections on grief - its non-linearity, the way it accumulates over time, and the importance of holding onto hope that life can still be beautiful in the wake of great loss. I especially appreciated the discussion about the "be strong" platitude - this was one of the most painful things I heard after my dad died. As if shedding tears or showing real, raw, human emotions is a weakness. These kinds of honest, nuanced conversations are so important for shifting how we collectively understand and talk about grief.
I was waiting for her to bring up the point that grieving doesn’t end at some point and then you bounce back to what you were before your loss. -Right up front she mentions that it doesn’t go away. You are indeed changed. The part I am still coming to terms with is that that new person you become can also be something beautiful. It doesn’t have to be a “lesser” version of yourself from what you were before your loss. Food for thought.
I also valued her mentioning the concept of cumulative grief. I’ve never heard of that before and it absolutely rings true. In my mind I expect the grief to be linear- matched to the loss you suffered only. But this has not been true for me. My “triggers” may not be directly related to the loss of my brother yet it may dredge up those same feelings Ava memories.
The human mind is complex. Made more so by life experiences as we live each day. I appreciate this insight you’ve shared. 💜
Thirty years ago, we lost our baby girl to congenital heart defects.
When Nicole passed, I hid behind the business of death. There were hospital bills to pay, insurance companies to argue with, cemetery plots to purchase, family to notify, etc.
Grieving was at the bottom of my list and my dear wife, appeared to be doing enough of that for both of us.
However, grief will not be denied. I found it waiting for me each morning when I awoke. I had a responsibility to work through my grief; not only for myself, but also for my wife. I had no idea my wife was waiting and watching, me. She needed to see me grieve.
Hi Tom. I am so sorry that your baby girl died. There is nothing that I or anyone can say to fix heartbreak, grief and loss. Please know that I am sorry for your loss (and your wife’s loss). I also want to recognize Nicole, as sometimes people stop saying the name of someone who has died. She will always live on in your hearts.
Tank you for your kind words; we do appreciate it. Our situation was so unique. My wife was carrying over 14 pounds of baby, twins, born by cesarean procedure on her birthday. We went from her high risk obstetric delivery team singing happy birthday at “Saint Harry’s” (aka Harrison) to transporting Nicole to M. Bridge then to Children’s where she passed a week later. Those events took place 30 years ago. My wife didn’t know she was carrying twins until we were five months into the process. No one had any idea that Nicole‘s heart was so broken (common atrium + common ventricle + missing some flap in the aorta ? )
Finding purpose in Nicole’s death has helped us heal. We’ve become a point of contact to support people who have lost young children.
For families of faith based communities, there’s an organization called GriefShare that can be helpful.
This is critical care. Grief is something that is glossed over. Particularly for people who live a long life you will lose much. Just not yourself. Everyone should take a class on grief specifically.
I agree! I was completely unprepared for grief and how it changed me. Grief is universal for the human experience. I think we could better support one another if we shared a basic language and understanding around grief.
Thank you for such a generous and insightful conversation Kristina and Jessica! This interview is full of powerful reflections on grief - its non-linearity, the way it accumulates over time, and the importance of holding onto hope that life can still be beautiful in the wake of great loss. I especially appreciated the discussion about the "be strong" platitude - this was one of the most painful things I heard after my dad died. As if shedding tears or showing real, raw, human emotions is a weakness. These kinds of honest, nuanced conversations are so important for shifting how we collectively understand and talk about grief.
Thank you, Ruhie! Yes, the “be strong” advice left me feeling inadequate, weak, and as if I was grieving in a wrong way.
I was waiting for her to bring up the point that grieving doesn’t end at some point and then you bounce back to what you were before your loss. -Right up front she mentions that it doesn’t go away. You are indeed changed. The part I am still coming to terms with is that that new person you become can also be something beautiful. It doesn’t have to be a “lesser” version of yourself from what you were before your loss. Food for thought.
I also valued her mentioning the concept of cumulative grief. I’ve never heard of that before and it absolutely rings true. In my mind I expect the grief to be linear- matched to the loss you suffered only. But this has not been true for me. My “triggers” may not be directly related to the loss of my brother yet it may dredge up those same feelings Ava memories.
The human mind is complex. Made more so by life experiences as we live each day. I appreciate this insight you’ve shared. 💜
Thank you, Nicole. A really good point. I have had tremendous personal growth through my grief journey. Love to you.
Thirty years ago, we lost our baby girl to congenital heart defects.
When Nicole passed, I hid behind the business of death. There were hospital bills to pay, insurance companies to argue with, cemetery plots to purchase, family to notify, etc.
Grieving was at the bottom of my list and my dear wife, appeared to be doing enough of that for both of us.
However, grief will not be denied. I found it waiting for me each morning when I awoke. I had a responsibility to work through my grief; not only for myself, but also for my wife. I had no idea my wife was waiting and watching, me. She needed to see me grieve.
Grief is complicated.
Love to your family. A very difficult time. I am so glad you have found purpose and that Nicole lives on through your work.
Hi Tom. I am so sorry that your baby girl died. There is nothing that I or anyone can say to fix heartbreak, grief and loss. Please know that I am sorry for your loss (and your wife’s loss). I also want to recognize Nicole, as sometimes people stop saying the name of someone who has died. She will always live on in your hearts.
Tank you for your kind words; we do appreciate it. Our situation was so unique. My wife was carrying over 14 pounds of baby, twins, born by cesarean procedure on her birthday. We went from her high risk obstetric delivery team singing happy birthday at “Saint Harry’s” (aka Harrison) to transporting Nicole to M. Bridge then to Children’s where she passed a week later. Those events took place 30 years ago. My wife didn’t know she was carrying twins until we were five months into the process. No one had any idea that Nicole‘s heart was so broken (common atrium + common ventricle + missing some flap in the aorta ? )
Finding purpose in Nicole’s death has helped us heal. We’ve become a point of contact to support people who have lost young children.
For families of faith based communities, there’s an organization called GriefShare that can be helpful.
This is critical care. Grief is something that is glossed over. Particularly for people who live a long life you will lose much. Just not yourself. Everyone should take a class on grief specifically.
I agree! I was completely unprepared for grief and how it changed me. Grief is universal for the human experience. I think we could better support one another if we shared a basic language and understanding around grief.