Healing Grief Through Action

True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. — Helen Keller.

In the beginning of my grief, I needed distraction to help ease the pain of the intrusive thoughts. As I began to heal, I needed a more complex and multi-layered approach to my grief recovery. I have already mentioned love and gratitude, which are the most powerful uplifting emotions to help bring healing. Another equally vital tool is to channel grief into action, which can help bring meaning to the loss.

For this tool to help with grief recovery, there are two requirements. First, the plan for action must be directly linked to the loss or grief journey. This link only needs to be in the mind of the griever and may make no sense to someone else. Secondly, the griever needs to find meaning in the action, which then helps to give their pain a purpose. A tragic and senseless loss is cruel to the soul. Channeling grief into action helps bring back meaning, energy, and life to the griever.

The action doesn’t need to be on a grand scale. It only needs to make sense and be meaningful to the griever. It can be as simple as recalling an activity special to your loved one and then repeating it with intention. If your loved one treasures family dinners, then having a dinner with the people that were special in their lives and making a point of honoring your loved one is enough, (if done regularly). Other examples include raising funds for medical research or charities linked to the loss, advocating to change laws that might have prevented the loss, or caring for other survivors of the same condition.

As you might have guessed, I am channeling my grief into action through writing. I want to help people struggling with grief by making them feel validated and opening their eyes to some strategies for healing. Although my profession is dedicated to helping people as a women’s health physician and scientist, this work wasn’t relevant to my grief journey. It didn’t help me process and heal from my grief, which stemmed from my husband’s diagnosis of advanced breast cancer. The solution for me was to find an action plan that would be more closely linked to his condition or the grief process.

Although I am choosing now to focus on helping others with grief, there is much work to be done for men with breast cancer. In 2020, there were approximately 2,620 new cases of breast cancer in U.S. men, which is about 1% of the total cases of breast cancer. My husband was one of those cases. One in five men have their cancer detected at an advanced or metastatic stage, like my husband. Unfortunately, the pink ribbon symbolizing support for breast cancer reinforces that this is a disease confined to women, which perpetuates a myth that leads to delays in diagnosis and stigma for male breast cancer. If we could do a better job at diagnosing men earlier, they would have a better chance of living longer. There is a great need to raise awareness that some men should also be screened for breast cancer, especially if they have a family history of breast cancer or any kind of lump or nipple discharge.

Acting is sometimes the hardest, but most needed part of our grief journey. Even taking the smallest meaningful action is a win against grief. If it feels impossible to take the first step, then enlist someone who you think might be supportive and helpful. Ask for their help to work as a team, set goals, and keep each other accountable. You never know how your actions may snowball into something with a greater impact on the world. Even helping a single person brings honor to your loved one and your experience.

As a result of my husband’s cancer, I met two amazing women working to raise awareness for male breast cancer. Patricia Washburn lost her husband, Marlyn, to breast cancer in 2017. Following his death, Pat decided to transform her car into a vehicle for male breast cancer awareness. She had the hood painted with his image along with messages to make men aware of their risk, “Breast Cancer Does Not Discriminate – Men Too”. The car was christened the “Marlyn Mobile” and she took her message on road trips to different parts of the U.S. She talked about male breast cancer to anyone who would listen and gave interviews to local news organizations and schools. She met with male breast cancer survivors, their families, and widows to offer her support across the country. After several years, she was joined by Cheri Ambrose, another prominent male breast cancer advocate. Cheri had a close male friend with breast cancer, who kept his diagnosis secret as he felt the stigma was too great. Almost single-handedly, Cheri was able to secure the support of 45 U.S. governors to designate the third week in October as “Male Breast Cancer Awareness Week”. Together, they have a long list of accomplishments, but it all started with an idea to honor the person in their life and bring meaning to their loss.

Pat and Cheri visited us in Seattle when they were meeting survivors and widows along the West Coast. It was the first time that I had met other men with breast cancer and their families. We discussed the frustration that more isn’t known about how to treat this disease differently in men. Soon, we were talking about the impact of cancer on our families, delayed diagnoses, surgical complications, and other medical treatments. For the first time, I felt that someone understood my husband and family’s journey. The message of love and hope that they spread inspires me to this day. The gratitude I feel for these two amazing human beings and what they are doing for male breast cancer is also healing.

Grief recovery requires a major effort. A powerful piece in the healing process can be channeling grief into action in a way that brings meaning to your loss. The famous painter, Vincent Van Gogh, said that great things are done when a series of small things are brought together. Find a path that honors your loved one, which feels personal and connected to the person or the loss. Start small and follow where it leads. You have been through so much, but you also have so much future ahead of you.