Finding Micro-Joy in the Midst of Grief

There are so many roads to pain during grief and very few roads to “joy”. Although “joy” can feel impossible, I want to introduce the idea that one often has the chance to climb out of one’s grief for a moment. To take a break from the pain.

Getting a small reprieve from grief is important for fighting against the forces pulling one down into the swirling black whirlpool of pain. The first step in this process is to make the effort to recognize the moments when we feel a tiny lift and reprieve.

I call them "micro-joys” because they are truly small, fleeting and elusive. But they exist. And if a person can feel a micro-joy once, then they can find it again.

Anything can represent a micro-joy. A smile. The warmth of the human touch. A bird. Petting a dog. Holding a hand. Cooking a favorite dish. Feeling a happy memory wash over you.

The first step is simply to recognize that any small moment can bring micro-joy. Even in the depths of our blackest day, one can have a micro-joy. This small break from pain is not only possible, but also healthy for the human spirit.

One shouldn't feel guilty for experiencing micro joy. We are humans and cannot live every moment of the day grieving. We need a break from pain and grief. A micro-joy does not dishonor our loss but helps one live.

After recognizing a micro-joy, the next step is to see it and truly experience it. Allow your brain to feel it. Or your body to touch it. Let the micro-joy come into your soul even if only for a moment. This piece takes some practice.

I suggest beginning with something very easy, like an event in nature that you might see every day. Let this object or event trigger a sense of wonder. For me, this could be literally anything that happens in my backyard involving a bird, a squirrel, a new flower. I like the night sky. Finding the constellations is always a source of wonder.

I use nature, because I can always count on the natural world to bring me micro-joy. A consistent and reliable source of very small breaks from grief.

Although songs can be an easy source of micro-joy, they can also bring grief depending on the memories that are tied to them. The memories that songs brought back for me enhanced my grief and so I avoided listening to the radio as the next song played was unpredictable. This may not be the case for everyone, but recognizing what might bring a micro-joy and what could easily bring pain is important.

Tips for someone grieving:

·        Recognize the moments when you have a tiny break from the grief and pain.

·        Think about the triggers of a micro-joy, as well as the triggers for your grief. If a micro-joy comes to you in nature, increase the time you spend in nature. If a micro-joy comes during exercise, keep doing it. What can you do to increase the chances of feeling a micro-joy?

·        Once you recognize a micro-joy, try to stay in the moment for as long as possible. Experience it thoroughly. Feel it, smell it, taste it, hear it. Stay in the moment.

If you care about a grieving person, these tips might be helpful:

·        Thinking about the grieving person. How can you enhance the chances of bringing them a micro-joy?

·        Do your best to help bring opportunities for micro-joy to the grieving person’s life. However, the grieving process is complicated.  A thousand things can trigger a memory that brings back painful memories or momentarily enhances grief. If you are with a grieving person and they suddenly become overcome with grief, it’s OK. Just, do your best.

·        If a grieving person can’t feel or recognize a micro-joy, it’s OK. Be patient with them. Give them time.