Aw John - tears seeping from my eyes here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly with Kristina and thanks to Kristina for interviewing you with such compassion and empathy. Heidi's gorgeous.
I hear you. My grief is different, yet I feel so much resonance with what you've shared. The research. Exploring death doula work/training. In particular, carrying the grief. Even when life's growing around it, there are piercing moments, and the dam bursts...and everything is raw.
Several of us are walking alongside you.
Dear Kristina, thank you so much for your support and advocacy of Carer Mentor. I appreciate you, and your financial endorsement of my work - as you know time and effort is always a challenge for me. Thank you!
John: I have told you before, but your attempts to continue, to "live," have provided me with a strange sense of comfort. If commiseration is a thing, I am always here.
It's very interesting that you chose the words that you did here, about continuing to live, because I wrote some things last night that are kind of about that.
I agree, and I think solitude is one of the most difficult parts of the loss of a partner. But, and this may just be my personal experience n(although I do not think it likely) the natural state, even the desired state, may be --feeling alone. I am not certain I can articulate my thoughts with clarity, but the personal nature of grief is hard to let go.
I don’t know about you and Liz, but Heidi and I were experts at being alone and autonomous, while also (I learned) a couple that people looked up to because of the strength of our relationship. We each appreciated our alone time AND our time together was extremely precious as well. It was just this seamless cohabitational life.
I know I’m good with being alone. I like being alone. I even need to be alone, based on my many hobbies, interests and nerdy tendencies… BUT… And there it is. The BUT.
So now what?
I’m not the one with that answer, man.
I really get how, in so many ways, I am completely free to pursue things that I may never have been able to if Heidi were still here. And also, it just hurts that she’s not. Virtually all the time, which is a very slight adjustment from all of the time. And I’m not even sure that it’s a real adjustment or coping mechanism of some kind.
And on that note I do find that if I’m not really feeling anything intense for more than a few days I’m heading for some experience of emotional numbing which is hiding a backlog of emotions, not even all painful - and those need to be released.
I know because when that continues for too long it becomes extremely and powerfully painful, in a kind of amorphic way until it finds release through some cathartic moment and definitely some writing.
Navigating this experience and trying to understand what I need now - this now, with the available options - has been quite consuming.
Thank you, Kristina, for sharing John’s experiences of going through his grief. It sounds like he was a wonderful caregiver for Heidi. I agree the caregiver services are not routinely offered for those of us who are needing it. I agree that Death Doula services would be very beneficial for caregivers of those with a terminal illness. Thank you both again.
Aw John - tears seeping from my eyes here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly with Kristina and thanks to Kristina for interviewing you with such compassion and empathy. Heidi's gorgeous.
I hear you. My grief is different, yet I feel so much resonance with what you've shared. The research. Exploring death doula work/training. In particular, carrying the grief. Even when life's growing around it, there are piercing moments, and the dam bursts...and everything is raw.
Several of us are walking alongside you.
Dear Kristina, thank you so much for your support and advocacy of Carer Mentor. I appreciate you, and your financial endorsement of my work - as you know time and effort is always a challenge for me. Thank you!
John: I have told you before, but your attempts to continue, to "live," have provided me with a strange sense of comfort. If commiseration is a thing, I am always here.
Thanks, Chris. We're here for each other.
It's very interesting that you chose the words that you did here, about continuing to live, because I wrote some things last night that are kind of about that.
I'll be posting them soon
We need to commiserate to not feel alone!
💯!
I’ve really pushed my boundaries and become much more social in the last couple of months.
I'm still astounded at the difference it's made in my overall well-being and even physical health.
Great news!
I agree, and I think solitude is one of the most difficult parts of the loss of a partner. But, and this may just be my personal experience n(although I do not think it likely) the natural state, even the desired state, may be --feeling alone. I am not certain I can articulate my thoughts with clarity, but the personal nature of grief is hard to let go.
I don’t know about you and Liz, but Heidi and I were experts at being alone and autonomous, while also (I learned) a couple that people looked up to because of the strength of our relationship. We each appreciated our alone time AND our time together was extremely precious as well. It was just this seamless cohabitational life.
I know I’m good with being alone. I like being alone. I even need to be alone, based on my many hobbies, interests and nerdy tendencies… BUT… And there it is. The BUT.
So now what?
I’m not the one with that answer, man.
I really get how, in so many ways, I am completely free to pursue things that I may never have been able to if Heidi were still here. And also, it just hurts that she’s not. Virtually all the time, which is a very slight adjustment from all of the time. And I’m not even sure that it’s a real adjustment or coping mechanism of some kind.
And on that note I do find that if I’m not really feeling anything intense for more than a few days I’m heading for some experience of emotional numbing which is hiding a backlog of emotions, not even all painful - and those need to be released.
I know because when that continues for too long it becomes extremely and powerfully painful, in a kind of amorphic way until it finds release through some cathartic moment and definitely some writing.
Navigating this experience and trying to understand what I need now - this now, with the available options - has been quite consuming.
Thank you, Kristina, for sharing John’s experiences of going through his grief. It sounds like he was a wonderful caregiver for Heidi. I agree the caregiver services are not routinely offered for those of us who are needing it. I agree that Death Doula services would be very beneficial for caregivers of those with a terminal illness. Thank you both again.
Thank you, Pat for supporting John and caregivers! Not enough support for caregivers.