Beauty in the Darkness
I can’t remember whether it was spring or summer, if it was raining or the sun was shining, but I do know that we were walking laps around athletic fields. The fields were full of kids and families playing an odd variety of sports: cricket, baseball, and soccer. It must have been summer. But I can remember it just as clearly with us walking in shorts with the sun shining or in jeans, sweaters and rain jackets braving the cold spring rain.
The weather doesn’t matter. The same scene probably played out several times on different days.
The kids were taking volleyball lessons at the recreation center and we (their parents and I) were using the time to exercise and connect. We quickly realized there was a path that wound around the athletic fields and adjacent playground. With kids signed up in back-to-back volleyball camps, we could meet and talk most Saturdays.
In this memory, I am walking, talking, and crying. It was a one-way conversation with me unloading a monologue of pain; recounting the details of his testing, prognosis as best we understood it, and plan for chemo and radiation. I mixed facts, conjectures, fears, and unknowns. Having someone that was willing to listen to it all was a luxury.
They listened as we walked. Every now and then, someone asked a careful question. My monologue was taxing to tell both emotionally and physically. I still felt like it was hard to breathe, a feeling that I hadn’t been able to shake from the time that I first learned about his diagnosis. Talking nonstop left me with air hunger as my chest felt too tight. Sometimes, I thought this meant there was something wrong with my lungs.
I am an ultra-planner, and we were now in unfamiliar and frightening territory for me. We had no idea what would happen next, how he would react and even whether the treatments would work. I had started to accept this new reality and was terrified. I was telling my friends my darkest fears, which was helping me, but also exposing them to my pain.
They were walking and listening mostly in silence. There was nothing to be said to make the situation better. Showing up and listening was exactly that I needed. Their care, concern, and love were priceless to me.
In my opinion, to support someone grieving is courageous. The supporter is likely to hear painful and depressing thoughts, experience sympathetic grief, and lose their own good mental health for a time. Once drawn into the situation, it may trigger suppressed feelings of loss in their own lives.
Grief is a scary and uncomfortable topic. It is a fearsome emotion that many people run from or bury deep in their psyche. I understand why. The grief demons are relentless and terrible. It is easier to banish them than it is to face them.
Not everyone who wants to support a grieving person has the capacity to take this on. There were people around me struggling with their own grief about the situation. My grief was also triggering for people, who were dealing with a loss in their own lives. More than once, someone shared with me a story stemming from a cancer or death in their own family. Grief is a universal human experience that spares no one. My pain was also opening other’s wounds.
Take a moment to notice the light coming from people around you and feel grateful for their love. The person standing next to you while you grieve has a beautiful soul. Recognizing this beauty is important because it represents a small joy that one can build upon. These small joys or feelings of gratitude can create a spider web-thin lifeline for the grieving person to cling to and with which they can pull themselves out of a hole.
On this spring day, my friends were saving me by walking with me around an athletic field in the rain. I remember the same feeling standing by a friend making dinner in her kitchen or with another friend I met for brunch. Text messages checking on me from friends that were far away. Gifts of food showing up on my doorstep. A card sent to me by beloved work colleagues. Calls from his family. And my mom, a constant support. Their support felt heroic, and I was grateful.
As we near the baseball diamond, my friend confides that she and another mom have been trying to come up with ways to support our family. I don't know how I got so lucky to be surrounded by these beautiful souls. Their light is overwhelming.
Tips for someone grieving:
· Think of the people in your life that you are closest to. Who can you ask for support? Who will be helpful in your grieving journey and leave you feeling somewhat better.
· Ask for what you need. This takes courage, I know. A grieving person tends to turn further and further inwards, away from their support community. Make it a goal to ask for support.
· When someone supports you, take a moment to appreciate the beauty in their soul. Feel gratitude and linger in this feeling for as long as possible. This is a small joy that can help lift your spirits for a moment.
· Continue to reflect on the care and love of people around you long after their visit. Counteract negative thought cycles by actively working on bringing in positive memories of the people that are supporting you.
· Be compassionate when people say or do something that isn’t helpful for your grieving process. Few people know what a grieving person needs.
· If someone consistently increases your pain, minimize the time that you spend with them. You don’t owe anyone your thoughts or feelings and this person may not be equipped to help you.
· If it feels like there is no one that can support you, search for support groups online (social media) or in person. Someone will understand your perspective if you make the effort to reach out.
If you care about a grieving person, these tips might be helpful:
· Be honest with yourself as to whether you have the capacity to support someone in grief. Will supporting this person open up your own feelings of loss that might be harmful for your mental health? If this is a possibility, can you support the person by writing a card or a letter without exposing yourself more directly to their pain?
· If you have the capacity to support someone grieving, check in on them frequently. Simply being with them is helpful to ease the trauma, reduce loneliness, and counteract the downward spiral of emotions.
· Listen with an open heart. Active listening is HELPFUL. Resist the temptation to try to “fix” their grief. Grieving is a process. There is no solution, only time.
· Rally other friends and family that might be supportive to the grieving person. Plan to share the burden of support.